Let's talk about, you know...stuff

Since I write a lot about other folks' dating experiences (and Lord...have I accumulated some juicy this weekend), I think I should share more of mine.

This is not a recent experience; in fact, these experiences are part of the reason why I'm currently, deliberately off the market.

It has to do with "stuff".

Women, especially responsible, hard-working ones, often have nicer stuff than men in their age bracket.  We have the nicer cars, the better apartments, the better overall "stuff."  Our places are cleaner, we're more likely to use air freshener 24/7, and we usually have a better taste in design.  Top that off with some home-cooked meals, and the menfolk just can't stay away from your "stuff."

What I noticed with a couple of guys - one white, one Latino - was the tendency to spend time with me so they could use my stuff.  The white guy was particularly fond of my laptop, my DVDs, whatever was in my fridge, and whatever was on the stove.  The Latino guy couldn't keep his hands off my Hyundai.  One time, he actually sent me a series of texts at four in the morning because his friends had left his ass at a hotel - after drinking all his booze - and he was "lonely".  The texts eventually revealed that he really just wanted a ride home (I slept through it all and got the texts later that day). Granted, he often chipped in for gas, but I'm not a fucking chauffeur.  Get a car, dude.  If you (clearly) need it, go get it.

I tend to shut guys like this down quickly enough, but I feel that this sort of behavior warrants discussion because it's such a common experience for women, especially women of color or white women of a bigger size.  It's not only because we tend to have nice stuff, but because men automatically feel entitled to all these things they haven't earned, and think it's perfectly justifiable to essentially use women for their stuff.  Some guys even think they're paying you a compliment!

One of the reasons I've been able to recognize the signs and symptoms quickly enough was - you guessed it - due to a similar dating experience of a friend of mine.  Her problem was much was worse than mine, though without her, my problem would have gotten to her level.  She made the mistake of giving her boyfriend a key to her apartment.  The next thing she knew, he was there in her apartment every evening when she got home from work, and half the food from her fridge would be missing.  This was the same dude who - I may have told this story online before - would asking her out to dinner, she would have to pick him up, they would go to the restaurant and he'd order the most expensive steak on the menu, then casually tell her he didn't have any money.

Oh, no.  No, no, no, no, no.

Ladies, it's all right.  If you think that a man visiting you in your home needs to put the focus on you and not the things you own...you're right.  He needs to have his own stuff anyway, so you're not being selfish or oversensitive when you feel appalled that he comes to your house and basically tunes you out to watch your TV or surf the web on your computer.  No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is also why I strongly advocate for women to learn to combat the Thirst.  You know the Thirst; we have all met more than our fair share of thirsty women who date Mr. Wrong back to back to back because they want a man so bad.  Face your inner thirsty bitch and tell her to get her shit together before you both wind up in a financial hole over some dude.


  1. Alex RaventhorneMay 21, 2012 at 1:59 PM

    Love the "Face your inner thirsty bitch" bit. Preach!

  2. Girl...co-sign to the 6.02 * 10^23 power!!!!

    1. You can't stay with me. (In fact, it will be a long time before you know where I live)

    2. You can't drive my car. (You bet have one of your own)

    3. You can't use any of my shit. (see #1)

    4. I expect quality.

    5. If you got an issue with #1-4, the door is *that* way.

    1. How is it you condense everything I say in long post into a few sentences? How...how do you do that, boo?

    2. Girl, 'cause this right here is something that I see/hear about all the damn time. I get so tired of hearing the thirsty whiny bitches complain about their sorry ass boyfriends that they're CONTINUING to put up with. When I ask why not just let said sorry bastard go? "Girl, I love him. He ain't that bad." It's tied in to your last post about women willing to settle because they're too fucking afraid to get to know themselves.

      Meanwhile, he's posted up on her couch, eating her out of house and home, running up the light bill, and driving her whip to pick up/hang with the woman he actually gives a shit about.

      A man is only as good as his options. If he knows he ain't got to step his game up to be with a woman, then he.won't.do.it. It's the path of least resistance. For every strong woman unafraid to tell a sorry knee-gro to step, there's at least five who will put up with his ass. Hence the overwhelming numbers of miserable girlfriends and wives.

      And we have a way of doing this with each other; that whole yin-yang thing.

    3. It's just one thing I can't stand when it comes to my friend. As much as she's been through with her boyfriend, and the hours she's cried and complained about his behavior she always gives him another chance or takes the time to try and talk to him. Like even in the most embarrassing of circumstances such as arguing with him on the phone while in the bathroom for everyone in the apartment to hear. Or doing that shit on a very long and tiring drive back to school (like 6+ hours of driving, god I wanted to just die).

      Just no. I consider it a favor when someone attempts to leave me. I wouldn't let the guy come back. But she does b/c she loves him. She's the one who can't just let him go and it's very infuriating to witness. I mean this is the guy who told her an abortion would drive her crazy; he told her he didn't want to be with anyone who didn't have shit to give him (i.e. money); he tried to suffocate her with a pillow; he accused her of cheating on him b/c she got drunk at her sister's party (weird story but I don't get the logic there, it just doesn't exist). And to top the cake this guy asked her out while having sex with her (her first time).

      She is getting better but I wish it would click in her head that if this is what he's been giving her for over two years he's not going to change. She's fighting too hard to be with someone who just doesn't love her or care about her really.

      I'm just proud and happy that he hasn't been her undoing entirely. Like he presented a roadblock last quarter where she had to take academic leave but she'll be graduating in summer and this ninja don't have a degree, house, or even a car in his own name. He's no shit piece of shit who's almost 30. She can do way better than him but only if she let's herself have better. She and I both agree that should this thing fail (or if she wakes up and kicks his ass to the curb) she'll just stay single for a while and enjoy life.

    4. " he tried to suffocate her with a pillow"

      I wish I could be completely surprised that attempted murder hasn't convinced her to leave.

    5. It not longer surprises me b/c he's either tried other times or threatened to do something to her for no other reason than to shut her up or calm her down. I mean, how is pushing someone down the stairs an effective and harmless way of calming someone down?

      There's often a lot of blaming drugs and alcohol for their behavior, which is what she tells me, but at some point you have to realize that those things can be a crutch. If he knows he becomes "a certain way" due to his drinking and drugs then he would refrain from it right? But that is never the case. So I know it's very much his intent to hurt her but she keeps burying herself in questions of why he does what he does. And drugs and alcohol always seem like the closest answer she can reach for.

      Hopefully things will get better when she gets out of this area. She shouldn't be anywhere near him.

    6. I will never understand why otherwise sensible women with a stable life plan would yoke themselves with these overgrown man-children. Her scenario is too familiar to me, and the whole thing reads like a Lifetime movie (no wonder that network's movie plots are all the same - look at the real life material!). Just so sad. Surely being alone is better than this!

  3. @Marona: Don't get your hopes up. That is the essence of a co-dependent relationship. If him being physically violent hasn't made her come to her senses, then nothing will. He'll end up killing her if she tries to leave. Maybe I'm a cynic, but this is what life has shown me. I hope I'm wrong.

    1. Pretty much. I once a knew a lesbian couple where the crazy, undeserving one pulled a gun one day, threatening to shoot her girlfriend, her cousin, and their roommate.

      No one was hurt thankfully, but after that, only the girlfriend was still speaking to her. Her own family disowned her almost prontito.

      Moral of the story is that the whipped, co-dependent ones don't wake up. And yes...she was her girlfriend's "first" and I strongly believe that has something to do with it. Her girlfriend said "I love you" within mere weeks of dating, and feared disagreeing with her in any way.

  4. All I can say is I CONCUR!!! Thank you so much Ankh for posting this!!!
    Ladies...please kick all losers/users to the curb!!!

  5. My friend is in one of these super fast relationships. They met at work, had sex, and then a few weeks later he was pretty much living with her. Meaning every time I call, he is there, spends the night, has keys, complains when her cable doesn't work. So 6 months pass and my friend gets laid off from work. She has a severance package that will only last 3 months tops. I finally ask her, does he pay rent? Of course not but supposedly he said he will start chipping in. She cooks for this guy every night, he makes messes but doesn't clean, lives there full time and hasn't been paying rent! She does seem very happy with him, they've discussed marriage and buying a home together after he finishes grad school and gets a job in his field. He even said if they married she could be a stay at home mom. But it pisses me off that he has been essentially living rent free off of her for 6 months.

    1. And if/when they get married, nothing will magically change.


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