6.20.2012

*bows to the mistresses*

… Psychological modes of understanding, at the end of the day, always blame it on you. You may be living in a violent society with a very fuzzy sense of norms, and yet it will be your problem if you do not find ways to adapt to it and be functional in it. [This made] me irrevocably committed to explaining problems in sociological, rather psychological terms.

Love followed that logic. I reject the premise that relationships are so difficult because of our difficult childhoods and immature psyches. Of course, some people can and do benefit from talking to the psychologist but many of our problems in romantic relationships have to do with the way the two genders have been made to follow different social paths.

… “Self-blame” seems to be an art of the female psyche. Women connect their self-worth much more closely to the realm of love and relationships and when that realm poses problems and difficulties, they view it as a direct reflection of and threat to their self-worth.


This is what the hackneyed “you’ve got to love yourself first before someone else can love you” comes to express, without really knowing it—it comes to express the idea that you must make your self-worth independent of others’ love of you, because their love cannot be counted on, whereas yours for yourself can.

The problem however, at least for a sociologist, is that you can never be the source of your own self-worth. This is an idea concocted by psychologists, which does not have any sound sociological basis. We can only build self-worth through and with others. This is why building good and nurturing environments, as families, schools, workplaces, is so crucial.

~ Eva Illouz, author of "Why Love Hurts"
The truth is, yes, it is quite normal for a 20-something chick to not have been on an actual date, and that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with any of us. Up until last year, I was one of them. My first “real” date didn’t happen until I was 24. And it’s sort of an inside joke that it took me living in a different country and meeting foreign men for this to actually happen. But as to why guys don’t put forth the effort of taking out a girl they’re interested in? The answers will usually be debatable. I had one guy say “I don’t date like that. It’s not my thing.” So you know what I did? I stopped talking to him. No more phone calls; no more texts. What’s the point of wasting your time with a guy who doesn’t date “like that?” Whatever “that” means. For the guys who just don’t date, because it’s not something they do, I feel they either don’t know how or they’re just too lazy to put forth the effort. They’ve probably gotten used to getting the girl without the dating process. Dating them has always been chilling at his house. Why change something that’s been working out perfectly for him? Then there are the guys who don’t date because “that” would mean spending money on a girl who isn’t his, and for some odd reason, that’s an issue to them. But these are the types of guys you shouldn’t want to date. Any smart man would know there’s plenty you can do on a date that does not entail spending money. And really, what’s his issue of spending money on a date? Imagine what type of boyfriend that guy would be … not good.

~Christian Moseby, Reader Submission: "Men Not Wanting To Date Doesn’t Make It Your Fault"

2 comments:

  1. This is what the hackneyed “you’ve got to love yourself first before someone else can love you” comes to express, without really knowing it—it comes to express the idea that you must make your self-worth independent of others’ love of you, because their love cannot be counted on, whereas yours for yourself can.

    This. Very much this. Soooo this. This all day.


    ...But these are the types of guys you shouldn’t want to date

    Been sayin' this shit for years. WONDERFUL ARTICLE/POST!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like people have gotten it twisted; if you're not dating or pregnant or married, it's 'cause you don't love yourself enough.

      Delete

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