7.24.2012

Red Flags, a guest post

Let's head back to BWAM for a minute, shall we?  The following is a guest post from commenter "joyful" on the Blasian Narrative.

Here are some red flags I use to eliminate an Asian guy from consideration during the vetting process. I know they will seem like common sense for most of us, but there are young black girls reading this blog who may not have thought of some these things, and it may help them to learn how to vet an Asian guy.

Red Flags:

- He talks like Tupac. Yeah... no.

- He honestly believes he is the only Asian guy to have ever expressed an interest in a black woman. I hear this a LOT.

-He expresses some variation of the assumption that I have been yearning for an Asian guy for ages but have been unable to attract one, and he will be my hero by allowing me to touch the hem of his cloak. GTFO.

-He makes an assumption that I am sexually loose and that he can easily have sex with me, because after all, I'm a black woman.

-He thinks all American women(of all races) are sexually loose.

-He assumes that I am seeking an Asian man because I am sick of being used and abused by broke-ass deadbeat black men, and now I want to find a guy with a good job so I'm thinking Asian. AKA calling me a golddigger. (Notice how when a white or asian girl wants a guy with a job, she has standards and common sense. When a black woman does, she is a golddigger. GTFO.)

-He finds his own Asian features inherently unattractive, and believes that Asian men are less sexual, less masculine, and less desirable than other men. This kind of insecurity makes it impossible for him to believe I am attracted to him for himself, so he either thinks I am mentally defective OR that I have some ulterior motive. It can also lead to controlling and jealous behavior.

-He listens to American hip hop or rap music. This stuff is chock full of hatred for black women! If it appeals to him, he either feels the same way or his mind is being polluted and turned against the perception of me as a valuable loveable woman suitable for a committed relationship. No way.

-His parents are racist. I'm NOT going to waste my time with a man whose parents will break us up. Unless he can demonstrate to me quickly and clearly that his parents are not going to object, I will NOT consider him as a mate. Some guys claim they will defy their parents but frankly I want tranquil relations with his family. My ex-husband's family really loved me. It is possible, and it's what I want.

-Any slightest whisper of an indication that he carries a torch for white women. If he wants a white woman he needs to go and get one- I'm not white and never will be. I'm not going to be his bedwarmer while he yearns after Miss Ann.

-Any comment about how I'm a great catch only because I'm an atypical black person. Nope.

-Low level of education. I have seen tons of Chinese-American or Chinese immigrant guys with only a GED or only a high school diploma lately. Don't believe the hype that it's only Cambodian, Thai or Laotian guys with little education. There are lots of other Asian guys who lack the basic qualifications to provide. I'm getting a PhD, and yet these men think they are on my level as suitable matches!!!! GTFOOHWTBS. Would they think an Asian or White woman with a doctorate would accept them? No, of course not. But a black woman is supposed to be happy with scraps. NO! Beyond financial stability, there is a compatibility issue. I greatly value education, and I want a guy who feels similarly.

-He tries to convince me that alllllll other Asian people (esp men) are totally racist and he is the only one who isn't. He is either trying to prevent me from considering the advances of other Asian men OR he is actually racist too because he considers it to be the norm.

18 comments:

  1. She has 3 babies, is currently single/divorced and is getting her PhD? Wow, props to her.

    Anyway, the point about being into hip hop/rap is not necessarily true. I'm into hip hop/rap, RnB (and many other genres) but I respect myself and don't like the ghetto culture/attitudes, there're definitely artists that I don't listen to because of that. I don't really think that it's the music who makes the person but his/her environment, how s/he was raised and his/her personality that define them. But yeah, I get her point in general, especially about talking like Tupac.

    Also, about education, she's right about the way black women are perceived, though different people have different perspectives on who they want to match with, and different expectations for a relationship. I have a college degree (BA) but a guy who has little education is not really a deal breaker to me, I'd be less enthusiastic but I'll judge him on his lifestyle, openness to the world and personality first if I'm interested in getting to know him. I'm mostly concerned about making my own money, not really about how much a dude earns, I don't think of living with a boyfriend for now, I tend to think that living alone for a good while would be perfect for me even if I'm in a relationship.

    I'll keep this red flag list in mind, for all types of men from all backgrounds.

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    1. I could be wrong, but I'd assume that seeing a NUMBER of the things on this list should give you pause, not each individual item, although a LOT of them are bad enough to be dealbreakers on their own.

      But I would assume that it's that same thing you see with some white men who date black women...it is a problem if they identify with negative black stereotypes and do all of that "sup girl", "hey girl" when they wouldn't speak to you that way if you were White, Asian, etc...

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    2. I shouldn't have mentioned her other point about talking like Tupac as it was a separate red flag from the one about loving hip hop. There's obviouly a difference between the 2, and the ghetto accent and attitude is a turn off to me. But being into hip hop isn't and has nothing to do with attitude and mentality per se.

      As for this number of things giving me pause, I agree with the rest of her post except the 2 things that I talked about previously.

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    3. And yes, white men, and all the others from other ethnic backgrounds can act this way sadly, this is why I said I keep in mind her list when interacting with any man. I might add that I've never had any guy talk to me like that, probably because I'm not in the US. There're some cultural difference though there're some assumptions about black women here.

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    4. I agree with Myra. Anyone who is a true hip-hop head knows that the art form is diverse. From Mos Def, Talib Kweli and so on not all of it is about thuggin' and disrespecting Black women. It terms of the word "Ghetto" it's definitely a mentality. I would never turn my nose up at someone who comes from the hood. I've seen way to many rich folks cruisin' the hood looking to score to think that way.

      Like Nicthommi said, this can be applied to all men, not just Asian men. Love, respect and commitment are most important to me. A man who is driven, creative, open-minded and focused is my ideal. I know plenty of guys with degrees and lot's of money who ain't shit.

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  2. I recently had a South Asian guy send me a note on dating site suggesting we go to dinner then to a hotel to cuddle. WTF, I just ignored it. This is a general dating site, and there is nothing in my profile that indicates any racial preference. He just assumed I was a dumb hoe that would go to a hotel with a stranger.

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    1. Some of the guys on those sites feel shameless about sending messages like that and being very honest about their intentions. They have nothing to lose, they're used to be ignored anyway, a message like that takes no more than 10 seconds to write. It really says very little or nothing about you but a lot about them. They probably haven't even read your profile.

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    2. Of course, you are black...what else does a man have to do besides say "hi" to have sex with you?
      He probably figures he is doing you a favor and possibly giving you another fatherless baby to add to your litter.

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  3. Hhmm, I like everything but two "red flags." Personally you can find people who value education but perhaps they did not have the same opportunities as yourself. I know people who value education but maybe they grew up in more rural regions of the world and thus had to quit school early to begin working or fighting in the military. In a place like Mexico unless you're rich it's very difficult to afford paying out of pocket for school all the time. I just don't approve of her discriminating of people like that and feel the sense of entitlement can go both ways. It sounds pretty much the same as class discrimination since generally education and class are closely linked. If you have the opportunity to go to college you have a better chance of becoming middle class. Rich people, doesn't really matter if they go to college and they can fo damn sure afford it without financial aid (though some will take money and give the government false information--true story).

    Also, hip hop/rap, it's where black women are most visible in mainstream culture (though there's this growing trend of it becoming more inclusive and/or not wanting to alienate the white womenz). I doubt neosoul is all that mainstream. You will hardly see that in any other genre of music/culture in the US. I'd say other genres are just as hateful by their neglect of black women as consumers, subjects of stories, models, artists, producers and so on. It isn't perfect but it's no better or worse than the other shit that's out there. And it is capable of loving and affirming messages for black women. It's just if you love it then you try and put in the work to correct it.

    For instance David Banner is one of my favorite rap artists. Although he may use some common rap words like "bitch" or "nigga" some of the songs that I enjoy tend to be supportive of women and their pleasure. I'd put his song "Shawty Say" in a playlist with Kylie Minogue's "Get Outta my Way." "Play" is also a good song, it sounds like a good song to masturbate to.

    But those are my only criticisms. Everything else I pretty much agree with. And I'd imagine that one red flag may be an indicator of another.

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    1. I agree with you on the part on education, though I wouldn't be that harsh on her point as she has her reasons about compatibility. I also thought about people who wanted to get an education but couldn't have it for diverse reasons. Maybe I expressed myself badly earlier but I would only consider dating a man based on his lifestyle/openness to the world/personality well basically if we click, his not having a college degree or having a PhD will be really secondary and even not matter at all if I like the man.

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    2. I understand compatibility. But I found it mean that she completely avoids these men on the basis of their level of education and liking of hip hop/rap. It just sounds very classist. So I had a defensive reaction. But based on the experiences she had I would avoid those particular men as well, esp. if they have some sense of entitlement.

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    3. Yeah, I agree with you on that, hence why I felt the need to give a different point of view as a college graduate myself. I did sense some entitlement in her post as well.

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  4. "-He makes an assumption that I am sexually loose and that he can easily have sex with me, because after all, I'm a black woman."

    Just about every conversation I've had with Middle Eastern men and at least one Asian man via AIM. Can't even call it a conversation when that's the first thing they say after "Hello.", "How are you?" and "Where are you from?". Praises be for that block option!

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    1. Oh come on now...aren't you always on the look out for your next baby daddy? It means more government money!!

      I stopped dealing with online sites b/c that stuff was a little too common (although in my case, from white guys-bleah).

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    2. I can't do the online thing either. At the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic who believes there is someone for everyone. Hopefully everyone will get who they want/need. <3

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  5. Joyful definetly gave some valuable advice on BN.

    I still think about those the advice my mom had when it came to men "Don't ever get a man that is beneath you" in most of her points.I haven't done a lot of dating in my life,but the Black men I dated/almost married were quality men.I also want the same with Asian men and other non-Black men that I may get involved with.

    One thing that disturbs me is seeing some of those AMBW websites and YT clips.I know that some of the girls are young on there and is still trying to find their way in life, but it still troubling how some of them are .With all due respect, some of them seem desperate to the point where their dignity becomes obsolete and of course some of the guys on there,as Joyful said, use it to their advantage.

    I was thinking about point 6. I seen a YT clip about a young Black expressing her love about Asian men.An Asian male commented how she would be better off with him and just said the vile stereotypical words that Joyful mentioned on there.I could date all the Asian and other non-Black men all I want,but if one inch of how bad Black men are for me come out of their mouth,they will be out of my life.I'm Black, my parents are Black and I have no problem wanting to be/marry them.Yes, my dad wasn't a great man in his time,but I just learn from those lessons and hope that the man ,regardless of who he he is,be a better man from the beginning to the end of his life. I don't have any problems with people dating/marrying outside of their race..celebrate your spouse,but if one of them remotely think I'm with them to put down Black men..they will be waiting for a rude awakening.I'm about wanting love and unity with single race Black couples as I am forAMBW's.

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  6. M you made some excellent point. I avoid a lot of those AM/BW videos on youtube like the plague. It's interesting that the dialogue seems to be one-sided. It's always young black women who desperately want to be accepted. I'm pretty much open to all men of color, but some of these young ladies seem obsessed with snagging themselves an Asian man. I looked at two blogs on Tumblr, one was for black KPOP fans, and the other was a AM/BW page. The desperation from some of these young women that were leaving questions in the ask box shocked me. There was one girl who mentioned that she heard Asian men like thin women, so she was going on a diet. Also the anti-Black man nonsense on there made me tune out.

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