7.04.2013

Dude, Seriously...Stop Touching Me

Slowin' It Down

So Dude and I went to the movies today and...*sigh*.

Firstly, I made sure to pay for the tickets ASAP.  He'd paid for the last two dates, it wouldn't hurt for me to knock this one out.  When we sat down, I could feeling him inching.  You know...when someone makes a slow, calculated series of movements in hopes to get closer?

The next thing I know, his hand is resting on my thigh, and I'm just staring at it.

My first thought: "I'm not comfortable.  I don't know what made him think he was invited/entitled to put his hand on my thigh.  Either way, I'm seriously irritated by the presumption."

Second thought: "Should I just ignore it?  Wait...if I ignore it, it won't go away.  In fact, it just might him feel even bolder and more entitled."

Third thought: *stops thinking, picks up his fucking hand, and moves it the fuck away*

He sighed and gave me the "Awwwww, man" while I flashed him a faux mocking expression.

Fourth thought: "Don't put yourself in these situations, son.  Now you gotta go home and tell your friend who's visiting that you struck out twice in a row.

"But seriously, Dude, stop fucking touching me.  We just met.  If I were a white girl, would you act like this?  Doubt it.  You'd be willing to wait weeks for a green light before you so much as asked for a hug (speaking of which, during goodbyes he hugged without asking again)."

And though you probably guessed it, I'm not "seducing" him.  There's been no flirting, no sexting, no provocative attire.  I never hug him first.  We talk about nerdy stuff and critique films, and how much so-and-so annoys us at our jobs.  Still, he's somehow convinced himself I'm sending the other message.

I don't think this one's gonna make it, ladies.  His behavior screams needy, horny, and not willing to think things through before acting.  This one's gonna end up in the friend corner and he's probably never going to understand why.

30 comments:

  1. Lawd Jesus.....

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  2. What happened to respect? And why do men always misread cues. They can't all be bad at interpreting body language can they? Nah they just need to get theirs whatever. And the race of the woman definitely affects their behaviour! :/

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  3. This won't end well. Yeeeesh!!!! He sounds like an entitled baby.

    I would have politely said, "Please move your hand." His immediate response would have determined what would happen next.

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  4. LOL!

    Sorry but this post made me die laughing.

    K, sorry babe, but he's just in it to score.

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  5. Yeah, this is... UGH... no touching! Just don't! Not on the first date and especially no on the thigh.

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    1. This was the third date.

      The first time I met this man, he wanted a hug. It set off an alarm, but I was a little more comfortable the second time because my friend was with us, and his friend was with us, and it was a fun night...until I was dodging kisses, and being asked, "Where have you been my whole life? Where were you ten years ago?"

      Then came this.

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  6. What can I say, that's rape culture for you. Never fails. Frankly it didn't matter what you were doing or saying to you. I think he felt he could rely upon his current rapport with you to get what he wanted. And it wouldn't have seemed remotely violent. But thankfully you've seemed to only deal with him in public spaces. So he couldn't take this very far without being seen.

    Yeah, on to the next one. And if you know any other ladies possibly looking his way let them know. He's got red flags all over him. Something that could easily escalate.

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    1. Or rather kino culture. (kino = kinesthetics, means touching on dates and escalating it gradually to sex)

      Here's a quote from a PUA site (I'm not promoting it so no link):

      "When you first meet a girl, it’s important to establish that you’re comfortable touching her. Simple things like touching her arm with the back of your hand to emphasize a point in conversation send strong messages. Be willing to let your bodies touch if you’re talking together in a crowded club. Rest your hand on the small of her back or her hip while you talk, or on her knee if you’re seated next to each other. Never pull back from physical contact – and whenever its natural to touch, touch."

      Many guys do it because they want it and feel that is what they SHOULD do (as a necessary step to build attraction), some think that it turns on women even if they just met them. Yeah...

      To me kino is only unavoidable and highly recommended if you both just want to hook up, like you met at a club. But if you both want a serious relationship, then the man should slow it down real quick if he's clearly getting a "no" to his kino thing.

      This thing happens a lot in firts dates sadly :(

      I've been reading PUA stuff to know what's going on and how men act in dating situations, how some of them use tricks on us too, and how they believe we think/react. It was interesting as in...WTF more often than not. I wouldn't be surprised if a third of the men out there had gone to a dating advice site of this vein at least once.

      Myra

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    2. Shoulda coulda woulda. What does that have to do with the women and HER wants and desires? I feel this is just a way of couching the issue in benign terms. Perhaps you lack an understanding of rape culture but just like sexuality it is all enncompassing. It is a spectrum of behaviors and attitudes that make it easy and acceptable to abuse women, children, and even men. What you are talking about is isolated to a desire for physical intimacy where perhaps it has been established that the desire is mutual. In Ankh's case she told Dude repeatedly she was not having. He chose not to listen or respect her wishes. Why does it matter that a guy wants to show his so called readiness for physical intimacy? The woman does not want to be touched. Period.

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    3. Er, I was just sharing something I read that I thought was related to this topic. I didn't dismiss it as a rape culture thing, I named it differently because I know this term (kino) I had another perspective in mind as well (which I didn't share here). Kino is not always rapey, it depends on how and where it's done, and if it's consentual. This is why my first post was't harsh. Now rape culture has certainly pushed kino as an OK thing even more and in a bad way in dating situations.
      I do think kino can be manipulative and a easy way to make a girl warm up to you instead of behaving like a trustworthy man and trying to connect on a platonic level first before connecting physically. I didn't state it because I felt it was common sense.

      I tend to read much more than I comment, I like understanding how things work, how people think. Justifying behaviours is a different thing.
      And I do think that I was on topic by the way. I'm not very articulate so I'll give you that, but right now, if i remember well she didn't say that he continued touching her leg after she grabbed it and pulled it away. I'm sick and not feeling well at all but I think I'm lucid enough today. I didn't read "I said no multiple times but he kept touching me!!" Or maybe I missed something in the previous post of Ankhesen Mié.

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    4. And I do think that touching on the thigh in that situation is inappropriate. Not sure if my post was very coherent now that I think of it.

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    5. Yeah, in her first post she has already had to rebuff his physical advances. So he already established a history of trying to force the issue of physical intimacy from trying to kiss her to trying to touch her inappropriately. And she has told him no repeatedly.

      I understand what you described I just feel it's a bit naive to think that guys just want physical intimacy. Esp in the context of rape culture where it's not about sex. It's about exerting power over someone who is assumed weak or vulnerable. That's why it is considered very common during states of war.

      I think I may have skimmed over some parts of your post. But I can see how you're trying to describe something as neutral when I can't see that type of sense of entitlement as something inherently benign. It doesn't seem to take into account an approach to intimacy that is conscious of what both people want. Just the guy.

      No matter the interaction both people need to be on board. If the guy doesn't care and just wants his "fix" or whatever that's a problem. He shouldn't expect anyone to want to satisfy that need of his. That's why I call it a service b/c it's something that is going to be offered if there is a willing partner.

      I think it matters too how Ankh felt throughout the whole ordeal.

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    6. But thankfully you've seemed to only deal with him in public spaces. So he couldn't take this very far without being seen.

      Trust and believe that's been deliberate.

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    7. @ Ankh: Definitely. It's the best tactic to use. It's sad but you can't trust a guy to be decent whether you're invited to his place or he wants to come over to your place. I learned that the hard way on more than one occasion.

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    8. I 2nd that...he definitely can't come to your place and I'm laying odds now that he won't ever cross the doorway. I'd like to think he can recover but yeah, he's a LONG way from being someone you could trust inside your home.

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  7. If you have to cut him loose b/c he feels entitled to touch you without permission, I hope he doesn't go into the "this is why I prefer white girls" b/c you know a LOT of MOC will try to shame you for not giving in to their demands by saying that the white girls/Asian girls/etc know how to act.

    Very entitled behavior.

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    1. That is pretty disgusting. I don't patronize men with those mindsets.

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    2. Nicthommi, if he says that shit, I would unleash the dragon on his ass and slap his motherfucking jaw loose.

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    3. Although if he says it, he proves that she is right to take it slow with everyone, and that he is no in fact worthy.
      The great advantage to her strategy is that people who AREN'T worthy never get to waste her time or use her body.
      So if he pulls a disappearing act or throws a tantrum, she's had some good conversation and can move on.

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  8. To be honest, much as I would like to be optimistic about this,I'm not. Between you and me,I wasn't all that hopeful about it.Why?its something that you mentioned in your first post about your dates with him (Point)when he said he liked you after a week that you dated him. It is said that if you say you love someone in a short period of time that they're looking for something else and we all know what it is. Now, some guys aren't using love to describe their feelings like they once did,they're using "I like you".It seems innocent, but I just see it the same way .If he isn't looking for sex,he's desperate for friendship/relationship but don't know how to be in one .

    I don't know. If a man tried to touch me..especially in a short period of time, he has to go. If he reacts that way to you before you've completed your second date,its not going to get any better.

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  9. Ladies, thanks so much for everything. I feel so much better now and I've accepted that I'm not even remotely attracted to this person. There were too many signs...some which preceded the first date and this experience just confirmed everything.

    If he just wants to be a platonic friend whom I hang out with in groups, we can work something out.

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    1. I say don't even hang out with him in that situation. Because if you started to see someone else he could try and sabotage it. Nope if it isn't working then cut him loose on all sides. Do not even hang out in groups.

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    2. What Lor said, to the millionth power.

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    3. Because if you started to see someone else he could try and sabotage it.

      I actually thought about this.

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    4. You aren't kidding about that...men love to cock block.
      Goodness, I'm watching Happily Never After and if you ever doubt the beauty of being single, spend an afternoon watching Investigation Discovery.
      So this episode is about a pretty black lady in Ohio who decided to pick some ex-convict parolee as her love interest and honestly, the rest of the story is one of the worst stories I've ever heard, and mind you, this is a show about people getting killed by their spouses, usually in the first months of marriage (if not the honeymoon). Luckily this monster's first bid for parole was just denied, so he won't be up again for 10 years (I don't normally believe in capital punishment but this dude should totally fry.)
      Goodness...

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    5. Nothing wrong with marriage as long as you are in it for the right reasons and VET like crazy. From the sounds of it the lady in Investigation Discovery didn't bother to vet. Or at least do a background check.

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    6. Oh for sure...actually, it's a combination between failure to vet OR ignoring the obvious (you know, like moving a convict into your home).
      But it's funny how the right story will make so many women skip the vetting process (claiming you are rich/successful, claiming you are a doctor, and of course, proclaiming everlasting love seem to make people lose their minds and ignore logic-why does your rich new boyfriend have no actual MONEY).
      One of my favorites that thankfully did not involve violence was the lady who thought she'd landed a doctor, yet said doctor moved into her house, and she quit her job and drove him to the hospital every day to his "job." All that fool was doing was running around the hospital flirting with nurses wearing a fake hospital ID that also falsely identified him as an MD (he wasn't a doctor and didn't even work there as so much as an orderly). Luckily this all came to light before she lost her house since no one was working, but yeah, since she married him 15 mins after she met him, they weren't together long enough for her to lose her shirt.
      But yeah, ask yourself why your doctor has no house, or why Mr. Dreamy has no family, or why someone who is supposedly a successful businessman needs money from you.
      And don't get so thirsty that you think you can upgrade convicts into quality partners. Ugh.

      But this is all preaching to the choir. The people who write here just aren't the desperate type. And so my point is that in theory being coupled up is nice but it's not like I've met anyone who could pass even a half-assed vetting process. So it's all hypothetical and therefore never anything that to date would IMPROVE my life.

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    7. Wow. I thought nothing could top the woman who up and married some man she met while he was dropping a large amount of money in a club. I think that was her third marriage to boot, so she must have been hella parched.

      But yea....a doctor with no car? Not even a busted POS with a good engine? Come on, now!

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  10. Well, s#*t...if that's an example of what's out there, looks like I'll be single for a while longer.

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  11. You know what, just thought of another category of man who tends to try to rush things with insincere platitudes that smack of social awkwardness/ignorance.
    Men who aren't single.
    I think I've experienced people who were in a hurry to meet without trying to communicate or establish rapport (or in the case of meeting people from online, making sure you don't seem like a psychopath;I've abandoned that for this reason by the way...too much risk).
    But I've come to assume another reason some men try to operate on an accelerated schedule is b/c they only have so much time before they are missed at home by the wife and kids/live-in girlfriend/any kind of girlfriend.
    So I always cut off contact with people who seem so eager b/c I think some of them are hoping to elminate the possibility of your finding out the stuff you actually need to find out before you let someone touch you or invite him into your home...like I said, is he crazy, will he kill me, is he trying to accelerate things b/c he's got to pick the kids up from soccer practice in two hours.
    One of my friends did avoid trouble b/c in general, it is too hard to maintain too many lies, so there are things this kind of man will fudge and things he will have to be honest about to avoid slip ups. In her case, the guy was honest about what he did for a living and what he studied in grad school, and it was unique enough that she found him on LinkedIn (also people will lie about the last name but probably not the first and will probably use the actual first letter of the true last name). A friend who worked at the same company was able to "cruise by" to verify the match.
    From LinkedIn, she googled and found a picture of him in an article with his wife where they were talking about their home and real estate prices.
    You figure, if he gets to rush you into something physical at least once he's walking away with something even when he is busted and then there are silly women who get dickmatized and don't care once they find out they have a "loaner"...

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