Slowin' it Down

So, thanks to the machinations of my the Eldest Sis, I'm currently semi-seeing this guy whom we'll simply call "Dude" because I'm not feeling particularly creative right now.  Yes, I know...me...of all people...seeing someone.

Before I continue, let me tell you a few things about ole Dude:

1) He looks good on paper.  Has a good job, is very well read, highly intelligent, and a great conversationalist.

2) Theoretically, we're quite compatible.  He's only one year older than I.  Over on the Narrative, he'd be classified as Blasian; his father is Indigenous American and his mother is African American.  And boy does he look it.  We're also both nerds; we can talk Star Trek literally for hours.  We're both movie buffs and we tend to analyze them similarly.  He's from Southern VA, I'm from Southern WV, so we've got that in common as well.  Also, I'm a vodka girl; he's a vodka guy - a very important requirement for Moi.

3) I respect his style.  We go somewhere, Dude pays for it.  Dude opens doors, Dude carries stuff for me, helped me break into my own home last night and Dude is respectful at all times.  Dude is also direct, which is very much needed for men who pursue Black women.  After our second date, he flat-out stated that he likes me, likes how we sync, and wants this to continue.  We have tentatively made plans for the 4th to see Johnny Depp in the gonna-be-a-hot-ass mess that is The Lone Ranger.  Dude also seemed receptive when I told him I want to take things slowly, especially when I had to matrix my way out of a couple of possible, potential kisses.

Though we all have our reasons for taking something like this slowly, here are mine:

Reason #1: Am I meeting Dude, or Dude's Representative?  Don't act like y'all don't know what I mean.  Chris Rock once said that when you first meet someone, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their "representative".  Getting to know someone requires an extended period of interaction and observation.  I just met Dude a couple of weeks ago.  I mean...Dude pays now, and is courteous now, and respectful now, but will he be the same way in six months?  How about next year?

Reason #2: I'm not a member of the ADD Generation.  Not a full-fledged member anyway.  Dude seems in a hurry for us to get close, which - regardless of how society spins it - takes time.  It doesn't matter that we have a lot in common.  Common =/= "close", and this is something young people really need to understand.  Closeness can develop between complete opposites if they are given sufficient time and they both make a sincere effort.  Having stuff in common is simply good for building a foundation for getting close.

Reason #3: I don't believe in the Sexpiration Date.  As far as I'm concerned, kissing isn't even an option at this point.  Hell, I felt we started hugging a full week too soon (but two nerds talking about Star Trek for three hours straight can do that sometimes).  So you already know where I stand on that other thing.  Rushing is precisely what ruins a potentially good match, which is especially terrible for two people who "sync".  Syncing is not common; it's quite rare and has to be handled delicately, because once ruined, you never know when it will happen again.  In fact, it may never happen again.  It's one thing to be a good couple.  It's a whole other thing to be a couple that's completely in tune.

So what about y'all?  Tell me about the dudes and dudettes you're talking to/sorta seeing/dating right now.


  1. That sounds fun!! I'm glad to hear this.

    As for me, it's interesting. I'm looking for a job aaaaand running out of money (hooray), and not really meeting any new people, you know? It's also hard when your friends are working. So the other day, I decided to try something random. I went to this "Sunday Night Film Club" here in Boston. The only cost is the price of the ticket. The movie was great (20 Feet from Stardom). It wasn't a date obviously, but I knew the people I met would want to talk movies after, which we did over drinks and it was awesome. There were four of them and they actually turned out to be a bit older than me, but... I don't know, baby steps? I went on a total whim, which was good because I'm shy. So there is no Dude : ), but I'm just trying to try new things and see what happens...

    *And even though it wasn't a date, it was waaaaay more fun than the guy (11 possibly 12 years older than me) last year that specifically asked me out on a date (his word) and just didn't follow through, plus thought he was so adorable explaining that he was "tied up".

    *I've posted before as "Pajamas"

    1. Remind me to have a talk with you about your taste in screen names.

      There were four of them and they actually turned out to be a bit older than me

      So...tell us about them.

    2. Well, two of them were a married couple who, in fact, live in my neighborhood. The husband was one of those "from everywhere" types, but lived the longest in Memphis. The wife I *think* was originally from the mid-west. One man was from outside of Boston and the other man was originally from New York and has whitish hair. The New Yorker is actually a Trekkie like you! But then he and the woman in the group vehemently disagree about Titanic (he thinks it's great, she hates it). They all agree that Avatar was awful. So we had a lively chat, though I don't know too too much. I don't know about this weekend, but I will definitely consider going again.

      As for my username- I can explain I swear....

  2. No wonder I ain't heard from yo' ass!

    But yeah, if your instincts are telling you to slow the hell down, then do it. There are plenty of reasons to do so, and you stated a lot of them eloquently...especially #1.

    And if he's in a hurry, you'd better find out why.

  3. Take it slow. And I mean sllllllooooooowwwwww. I love courtship. It's something that we don't do anymore.

  4. I think you need to write a book to counteract the garbage that gets pushed at women (esp. black one's). B/c you know, most of them suggest you need to do whatever the man wants to keep him
    Much wisdom in your post.
    I got nada on the dating front. Have a job but trying to switch. And honestly, don't live in an area where many men date black women. It's bizarre. Luckily people share their "problematic" views on black women pretty freely so it's not like I'm missing out on spending time with any great guys.
    It would be nice to find someone I sync up with but I haven't run across that. Just the opposite.

    1. You really read my mind Nicthommi. I was just about to tell her that she needs to write a book because her insights are sorely needed.

      Ank you are really on point and somehow you and Amaya always manage to write material that is so truthful and wise. It is just what I need whenever I start to doubt myself.

    2. I feel you Nichtommi. I've been completely turned off of sex. As of now I have absolutely no hope of finding a decent man who really gets me. I'm actually considering dating women if they won't mind me not necessarily identifying as queer. When I'm ready I just want a stable relationship and someone I can talk to without the risk of violence or alienation. Someone who understands my fears about having kids and the idea that I may not have kids. I want someone I can trust.

      That aside I'm just focusing on school and trying to do work without an employer. I'm working on making a website and also making some ads to take advantage of the large amount of college students in my area.

    3. I've been completely turned off of sex.

      I won't say I'm completely turned off, but I am turned off by how some folks not only want it right away, but just expect it right away.

      I'm actually considering dating women if they won't mind me not necessarily identifying as queer.

      Seriously, boo...right there with yout.

    4. @ Ank: I see. Yeah I find that kind of behavior distasteful. But I really don't have the patience for people who just don't know what they're doing and aren't about reciprocity. I'm better off just loving myself.

      I wish you luck with Dude. Hope he doesn't ruin things, lol.

    5. @Ank, you aren't kidding. There are some people who somehow act like hte sex should be the 1st or 2nd step to deciding if they like you. And the simple fact of the matter is that a lot of people wind up dating or married people that are absolutely NOT in sync with b/c sex was the first or second thing they did.
      And I've had people who followed me in after a day/evening out and in once case think the person was expecting to be invited into my bedroom(he sat down very close and stayed a while), and in another case, the person hit on me like a 13 year old, asking me to take my clothes off, groping me out of nowhere, and asking to go to the bedroom. I'd never kissed this person. Or been out on a legitimate date. How do you go from not kissing someone ever (and did not attempt to as build-up, which is how I'd expect someone to TRY to seduce me) to asking them to get naked and go to bed with you? WTF? I'm going to undress for you just b/c you want to see me naked today? I'm not turned on, you haven't tried to warm me up, but you want to jump in bed with me?

    6. @Nicthommi: Girl, what? WHAT?

      That mofo would have met my two roommates. One named Smith; the other, Wesson.

    7. @Amaya, I don't have any weapons, although I probably should get myself a bat.
      I realized afterwards that it could have ended a lot worse than it did. Mainly repeated "nos" and "get off" and pushing finally made him get up and leave. But it was really out there and I guess I shouldn't have been surprised b/c attempts to as "what the hell was that" were met with attempts to gaslight me "I've been going through some things", "You misunderstood", and then flat out denying that it had ever happened. It didn't really hit me how over the line it had been until much later but clearly I have never spoken to that person again (although it's funny how people like that like to pop up out of the blue, so last year, I was sent a birthday greeting/email, which I deleted without reading).
      I assumed that since boy 1 never made a move, he wasn't interested(and in his case I was totally interested and thrilled to have him next to me), and yeah, later found out that he found what he was looking for (quick screws) elsewhere. Needless to say, what seemed like strong interest and a promise of a home-cooked meal on a 2nd outing turned into never being spoken to again.
      But spreading my legs on a first date(or non-date) should not be the criteria for you deciding to call me a 2nd time. Ridiculous.

    8. Nichtommi: Well that's rape culture for you. You shouldn't have to keep telling him "no" like a broken record. I'm glad you're okay. Make sure you have emergency numbers on speed-dial. Also consider a tazer, which is easier to carry than a bat. And remember to go for the eyes, nose and crotch if you plan on using your hands.

      This actually reminds me of a disturbing segment from an episode of Home Movies. It looked like a lesson for potential rapists to protect themselves from women who want to defend themselves. It was weirdest thing I ever saw. It really bothered me. They just kept saying "eyes, nose, crotch."

    9. You know, it's so weird b/c I know several people how have been acquaintance raped but I guess when it was happening I didn't realize that was how it started. But yeah, if he'd continue to ignore my no, I'd have been another statistic. I think I thought it would involve being hit or hurt...I got pushed down/grabbed but it didn't feel violent. But it wasn't invited, nor did I give permission or touch him in any way. We were sitting on OPPOSITE ends of the sofa and he pretty much leapt to my side out of the blue.

      A friend actually did get assaulted by a recent date. Things done to position himself as a "gentleman" actually wound up with her having to go to his house to get her car from his garage, and once she was inside, he proceeded (he had started acting creepy during the date but then she felt stuck into following him home b/c of the car).

      I don't know. I'm okay, and have been lucky b/c had a similar experience with an adult(nearly 30 to my at the time 16) summer program counselor in high school (years and years ago, I'm old) that again could have ended badly based on circumstances (being in the just vacated dorm b/c he'd told a classmate from the program that he needed to see me, and then "see me" being a couple of clumsy attempts to push/pull me onto the bed. I stood up after each time and left the 2nd time I stood up (luckily he made some creepy comment about wanting to hold me which let me know it was a wrap) However, if he'd opted to not let me leave, I would have been screwed literally and figuratively.) Also funny how during the program, the boys dorms were off limits to the girls and vice versa, but they clearly didn't vet their program counselors well. Weird how at that age you assume that you can trust authority. My alarm bells did NOT go off there. It was like "hey, so and so wanted to see you, he's upstairs," and I doubt the patsy who gave me the msg knew what he was sending me up to (I never told that story to my friends though, all of these years later).

      I wouldn't say I was scarred, although at the time the person had positioned himself as a platonic friend so clearly it was a HUGE violation of trust and just refusing to take responsibility was a huge slap in the face. But no, it shouldn't have taken more than one no when that was not the circumstance or context at all.

      Sounds stupid but I used to assume men who were married or involved were safe b/c I figured that was a boundary they would not cross. But you realize some people are only well-behaved b/c there are witnesses around, and will get away with as much as they think will be kept a secret.

      But like you said, taser, mace, pepper spray vulnerable areas, and honestly just not letting people into your home b/c a LOT of men think that being allowed to cross the threshold of your home is also an invitation to get between your legs.

      I also make a point of keeping a landline now too. Cellphones are not that reliable in situations like that.

    10. You really read my mind Nicthommi. I was just about to tell her that she needs to write a book because her insights are sorely needed.


    11. @ Nichtommi: I won't say I'm glad for you experiences. Clearly they were something even if it wasn't rape. Even sexual assault or having someone prey on you is bad enough in my opinion. And you know how it has affected you, if at all, so can't really comment on that. But obviously these things are pretty common even if we couch it in relatively benign language. Rape culture isn't just about rape. It's about the general attitude and ways in which men dehumanize women such that it doesn't matter what you want, doesn't matter how you feel, doesn't matter what you're doing, doesn't matter what you're saying. If a guy wants to occupy your space, your body, he will do it. Or try his damndest.

      I think it's like the warning signs for drowning. Everyone thinks someone is going to be flailing their arms screaming for help but your body doesn't work that way. It is primarily focused on helping you to breathe. So it isn't uncommon for someone to be drowning and no one notices b/c it is a pretty quiet affair. The person is bobbing up and down, can't scream b/c the body is focused on maintaining oxygen flow. Violence can be subtle, especially when it is sexualized violence. A lot of people cannot conceive of sexual violence b/c hey it's just sex, right? But you see a lot of guys realize they can wheedle their way into someone's heart and psyche and it makes it unlikely for their victim to make a lot of noise b/c psychologically it makes absolutely no sense why this person would be doing this. So the realization may come later if it does at all. You could still be blaming yourself b/c somehow you should have known that your camp counselor was a perverted creep, right? (Just a hypothetical piggybacking off of that experience, but not trying to change the details of your experience.)

      A mans' status really has no barring on his choices. I remember some ladies discussing the phenomenon known as "peep shots." Clearly it is not enough that men have porn at the click of their fingertips. They have strip clubs. They can find someone to have sex with them for money. No, they must intentionally stalk and photograph women in their most sensitive moments and then blame them by saying they shouldn't be dressed like a slut. Honestly there is nothing you can do. Its likely most ladies have something on the net b/c even hackers can take secret recordings of you without you knowing. At the end of the day hyper-vigilance of victims and potential victims will not be able to protect you at all times. There's has to be a cultural change to stop men from doing these things, otherwise it will keep happening. And maybe it won't happen to you or me but it will happen to another woman, another girl, another little baby girl. Yes, men rape and kill baby girls. And they rape other men, and they rape little boys.

      Do you mean a landline that you can bring with you or just at home?

    12. I meant I felt it is best to have a landline at home, b/c a lot of people have stopped getting them b/c they are always on their cell phones. But I realized I felt uncomfortable having something that might be uncharged, buried in my purse, in the other room, or not working (my current fancy smartphone likes to shut off and takes forever to turn on-something I'll check on improving when I replace it).

      I think I'm annoyed that you think you are getting more clever as you get older and have never been particularly impressed by some of the games men play to gain your trust so I think in the most recent encounter (just a few years ago in grad school) I felt kind of stupid, and then only in retrospect recognized that he'd tried to have coercize, uninvited sex.

      Guys do get used to being able to get sex when they want for all of the reasons you mentioned, but they've been acting this out for a lot longer, dont' you think? I'd like to think we are slighly better off but if you call-out someone for that behavior, a lot of people will still point the fingers back at you, won't they?

      But it's really bad that letting someone into your home or going into someone else's home is really something you have to think about carefully b/c of what some men will choose to assume it means.

  5. I'm not dating nor interested in do it though I was tempted to do so with a guy I met at a local park.Yeah, take it slow and enjoy your dates.

  6. Stop the presses...Kerry Washington got married!!

    1. I'm shocked! I ad to read the news about it twice before the reality sunk. Wow! how did se keep it under wraps like that? I didn't even know that she was dating. Well I'm happy for her.

    2. She pulled a Janet. By the time they figure it out its already done! Not into athletes with their history of treating women like crap. I hope it works out for her though.

    3. I'd never heard of this guy, but I was saying to my friend that hopefully it meant he had never been arrested or had some hard luck story on Real Sports.
      However, a friend who is a big sports fan says that guy is not the typical athlete. You figure, Number 1, he is apparently about school and education and that is apparently the NORM in his family. Number 2, he married an educated black woman (BLACK, yeah, we know that is not common among profesional athletes).
      So he SOUNDS like an intelligent black guy who respects black women who just happened to be a good enough athlete to play professional football too.
      Let's be honest, I don't see someone like Kerry Washington getting dickmatized or caught up. It seems to have been a year, which isn't uncommon for people in their mid to late 30's. She was engaged before and ended it.
      It does show that people who claim it is so hard to have a private life are full of crap and likely having their PR people calling the photographers on the regular.
      What is hilarious about Janet's last wedding is that we actually heard about it not only before it occured but before they got divorced. Normally we don't find out Janet has had a husband until she has gotten rid of him.

    4. It's also possible that b/c we're dealing with black celebrities their stories and life details don't carry the same amount of dollar signs as those concerning white people? But I do know that people try their best to maintain privacy. So I don't necessarily blame people if someone is stalking them or trying to take inappropriate photos, like the ones seen in magazines called "nip-slips." It is just so offensive.

    5. It's also possible that b/c we're dealing with black celebrities their stories and life details don't carry the same amount of dollar signs as those concerning white people?

      Took the words right out of my mouth.

    6. That's true...they only like to cover stuff that makes us look crazy and promotes the idea that we are savages so yeah, a football player who doens't have a stadium full of fighting baby mammas and isn't getting arrested and a black actress who isn't some kind of ignornant chickenhead (just the opposite) isn't an image they want to promote.
      We know Kerry is an intelligent and well-bred lady, and it sounds like her new husband is interested in education as well, so no one wants to see a black couple like that. He respects black women AND likes to read?

  7. Shoot, was I supposed to share my dating experience(s)? Okay:


    Hope that was clear.

    1. I'll just piggy-back on your comment.

  8. Slow and steady wins the race! I loooooovvvvve courtship. T.T Now all I need is another man to participate. I don't wanna be a cat lady. -_-


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