Bitchfest: The Male Perception of Female Fantasy

Disclaimer: This meant to be a funny post.  So remember to chill.

All this talk about male entitlement and misogyny has gotten me thinking about men who try to "win" women over by swearing up and down they'd fulfill our fantasies if we would just let them.  Like, we're missing out on the good shit, and if we weren't all so stingy, we'd be in heaven right now.


Romance/erotic novels are often a great way to gauge heterosexual female fantasy, and some men read them to get "pointers".  But what I've noticed is that men generally skip to the part with the sex marathon, without really dissecting the fantasy elements required in a male character which then led to the sex marathon in the first place.  Let's look at those elements a little more closely, shall we?
1) He's rich.  In most romance novels, the dude has dough.  In fact, back in the day when I considered writing romance novels on the side, I noticed that in the publishing guidelines for many companies, the male protagonist couldn't be broke.  If he was broke, that defeated the whole purpose of the fantasy.  I noticed that it was a requirement often listed first, and if you think about it, it makes sense (as far as fantasies go, mind you).  Money can and does buy happiness...if you know how to spend it right.  So even if a man fails all other remaining fantasy criteria, as long as he is wealthy, y'all can make it work...or so the fantasy goes.

2) He's good-looking. Here's what interesting...in novels he can be a slender nerd or a big strong man or a thick dude with some swag. The common denominator is usually that he takes of himself, he bathes, uses lotion, goes to a barber, gets his teeth cleaned, wears nice clothes, wears the right cologne (and not too much). He's clean, he's polished, he gives a damn about his appearance.  He puts some effort into that shit.

3) He's a great kisser.  Kissing scenes in novels allow the reader to imagine being kissed just...the way...she likes.  She can interpret the writer's descriptions of tongue, lips, and motions however she pleases.  Kissing is exceedingly important, and to my horror I've found out that in real life, most men are not good kissers.  You find out your date is a lame to downright shitty kisser, it tends to lay waste to the mood.  Like...it's all downhill from there.

4) He got a big dick.  Romance novels in particular will dedicate entire paragraphs to the perfection of the lead male's member/length/manhood/arousal/rod, waxing longingly about its heft, girth, number of inches, and complexion.  Some writers go overboard trying to draft creative metaphors and terms, but we forgive them.  They're just trying to let us know how big it is.

5) He knows how to use said big dick.  In short, the lead male is a good lover.  He's got strength, skill, and stamina; he can flip the woman over on command, pin her to the wall, lift her in the shower, bite in her right places, and make all the right noises the whole time.  He's had tons and tons of practice, he knows when to be assertive and when to take orders.  He's dedicated to getting the job done and never disappoints.

6) He's interesting. He's a great conversationalist, but not a pseudo-intellectual.  His poetic, but not a poseur.  He's educated, he's amusing, he's charming without being lame or phony...you get the gist.  He plans great dates and he's a lot of fun to spend time with.  He's a good listener, he's understanding, blah, blah, blah, blah.

6) He's in love with the female lead.  He doesn't just want her for one night, he doesn't view her as a ball and chain, or a cum bucket or a source of bragging rights for his friends.  He doesn't use for her a ride to work or a place to stay or to overall just feel better about himself.  She's not his scapegoat nor his therapist nor a human ATM to him.

7) Sex with him is awesome.  If you've been paying attention, you'll have noticed these requirements were listed in a very specific order. In other words, by possessing the preceding requirements, the two leads conclude the story with awesome sex. As I mentioned in the beginning, men who skim romance novels for tips and hints often skip right to this part without taking notes on all the needs and requirements which led to the awesome sex.
Mm-hm...so how come when men claim they can fulfill female fantasy, they conveniently skip right over all the shit which precedes the sex?  It's like they read these books and think, "Oh...so women just want sex.  They fantasize about sex, just like we do.  I can give them sex.  I can fulfill that fantasy" - no, boo-boo; there's way more to it than that.  Where fantasy is concerned, there's waaaaaaay more to it than that.


  1. Love me some Sommore. And you hit the nail on the head regarding what constitutes a woman's fantasy man. It aint just about sex. And if you don't pay attention to those preceding points the sex aint worth shit.

    1. Imma need for mofos to understand ^^^^this right here. I mean, the formula is down pat. I consumed hundreds of these books as a little girl and even then I recognized the similarities.

    2. "10-figga ni**a" - I couldn't even wrap my head around that. It wasn't until I heard her put it like this that my mind started whirling. It's partially what triggered this post.

      Men try to use the "give me just one night" loophole when they promise to fulfill our fantasies. But unless a man looks like Rick Yune or Mikael Daez, we don't have one-night. We have a 10-figure fantasies and you can't just conveniently skip over them because you're in denial.

    3. Even IF he looked like Rick Yune or Daez they don't have one night. No one gets to skip to the head of the line! That is why you have these crazy women fawning over a criminal now.

    4. No one gets to skip to the head of the line!

      *dies* I can only imagine the sky-high standards of your fantasies, boo. Cuz I'd shoo Mikael right to the front of the line.

    5. Shit, I'll give Rick Yune's foine ass one night...whatchoo talmbout???

    6. I'd open up another row in the line to make room for Mikael and another 10-figure lova.

  2. He is strong: You forgot to add that he is strong enough to rip her bodice or corset off and release her heaving bosom. Cause all women have bosoms that heave. Of course the reason you are heaving in the first place is because you can't breath in that d*mn corset!

    1. Funny you should mention bodices and corsets; the historical romances tend follow the above standards rigidly. Modern and contemporary romances tend to be a bit more experimental and even give men some leeway, but not the historical romance genre. I sincerely think that genre has the strictest, highest standards of all. The publishing guidelines are specific. If he ain't rolling in dough, owning 4-5 houses, carrying 2-3 titles, and overall, straight-up ballin'...he ain't shit!

  3. Lol...valid points that are so true. I don't think most romance authors think about that when they write these books. Everybody have to be perfect in everyway it seems.

  4. Security above all else is paramount, and not just financial security. IDGAF how big his dick is, if I'm worried about rent or if there's no food in the fridge, or if I don't feel safe...he can't get it from me.


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