We don't give a fuck, Part Deux

(h/t S Baldwin)
...Another issue with most discussions about interracial dating is that the parameters of the conversation are heavily founded on anti-Blackness. When I am asked about interracial dating I know that the person asking me is looking for a certain performance.

Black women are expected and in fact encouraged to assume a kind of mercurial hysteria surrounding dating.

We are supposed to deal with "reality" which is that we are ugly and unwanted. But we are supposed to exude confidence because women with low self esteems are pathetic. But then we can't exude too much confidence because there comes the meme about the independent Black woman who don't need no man.

We are supposed to be loyal to Black men. But we are expected to deal with the "reality" that there are not enough good ones to go around. We are supposed to desire Black men exclusively, but we are encouraged to believe that Black men do not make good partners because they are hyper-masculine and violent or because they hate dark skin and natural hair. We normalize whiteness by making it seem like white men are above and beyond the pitfalls of internalizing white supremacy that apparently too many Black men are wrapped up in.

Black love is tested on every side at the cost of Black women and men.

Meanwhile non-Black women (other women of color included) use Black men as a weapon to demean Black womanhood by claiming that "our" men prefer them. And then they wait for me to do the angry routine when asked if I care about who a Black man chooses to date. It's a trap. And it's one I refuse to fall in.

Here's the thing. Interracial dating does not solve any systematic issues Black women face. It never has and it never will. But on the flip side, interracial dating also doesn't exacerbate any systematic issues Black women face. Any issues that come up with interracial dating are merely a reflection of larger issues that exist regardless.

I am always amused by the argument that interracial dating means increased racial tolerance. Yet, the entire system of American slavery was built on miscegenation or to be more frank the sexual abuse and exploitation of Black women by white men. Desire and attraction have never precluded abuse and oppression. So then why are conversations about racism and sexism reduced to these things?

...So the next time I'm asked what I think about interracial dating I will ask the person to clarify what they really mean. Do they want me to comment on white privilege or white supremacy? Do they want me to talk about the devaluation of Black femininity due to interlocking forms of oppression? Do they want me to talk about how patriarchy functions within the Black community?

I have stuff to say about all of that. But I have nothing to say about who anybody should be dating.


  1. I'm sooo glad that this article was brought up.

    There are some people who really have this multiracialism-saves-the-world kind of mentality. I admit, at one point in my life, I was naive enough to believe in that philosophy. I would think that if one race married another person from another race that surely they weren't prejudiced. Look at how some people reacted in Barack Obama's pre-presidential days...people just thought racism would be a thing of the pass because of his biracial background. So much for a "post-racial" America.

    This really needs to get out because there a lot of people think that mixed dating equates an equal world. I mean..l've looked at some IR/AMBW websites. Some were on point , while others made you scratch your head, wondering why are they pro-IR/AMBW love,but at the same time..putting down their communities, their people and even themselves or as mentioned they put down other races. We''ll use Donald Sterling for example. He's a White Jewish guy who dated mixed raced woman of Black/Mexican descent yet the both of them had been accused of proven racism against Blacks and /or Latinos. As of now..at least with Donald he's going to be sued by another mixed raced Black woman who claims that she dated him and was fired by him before dating V. She also accused of him of racism. If mixed race dating/marriage is supposed to be the lifesaver in race relations why was Donald and V expressed hatred of minorities. Let me also not forget slaveowners just " loved" Black woman..so much so that most raped us, forced pregnancies and sold us to other inhumane slaveowner's. Yep..it really unified us like crazy *sarcasm*.

    On the other side, some folks think that mixed marriages are an escape to from reality. They're not interested in going through adversities/prosperity with their significant other. Such an example was on The Root. com website where this Black man thought that moving to Brazil meant that he wouldn't have to deal with American women who " didn't know their place or having some sexually charged Brazilian coming his way. He's not the only guy with or who had ..in his case..that assumption. Just go check some of these IR/AMBW websites. Some of them will imply ..or just outright say that you shouldn't be with a ( fill in the race) man because.( fill in the stereotype or problem). Why look at Stormfront where some of the language of some of these people on these sites can be just as racially malicious as their words?

    If you're dating or married to a person of another race and just happen to love them that is all good,but if you're just doing it to be spiteful..quit it while you can because it's not going to work. There are tons of mixed couples who have loving fulfilling marriages and I will guarantee that with some of them , it isn't about race or escape life troubles. It's about loving each other unconditionally.When it comes to true love..any couple can express that.

    1. True. One thing people regardless of who they marry today treat marriage as something to check off the list. ITS A JOB! If you are only doing it because of what a person looks like (oh he/she is fione), race, money, yall will make pretty babies, or you both like to kick it. Then you are setting yourself up.

    2. "If you're dating or married to a person of another race and just happen to love them that is all good,but if you're just doing it to be spiteful..quit it while you can because it's not going to work."

      Amen. I think back to the story shared (I forgot by whom) about a white woman with her drunk black boyfriend, and how she was going out of her way to drape all over a black woman in a practically empty subway car. And I have seen many, many other stories like that over the years.

      When you're doing such rubbish? That's not love; that some nursery school one-upmanship.

  2. "I am always amused by the argument that interracial dating means increased racial tolerance. "

    Me too. Whenever I hear that I just ask "What has heterosexual relationships done for sexism?"

    1. Whenever I hear that I just ask "What has heterosexual relationships done for sexism?"

      THANK YOU.

  3. Another reason some black women might have a problem with interracial dating, specifically black men dating non-black women, is interracial dating, like being single, being "unmarried", single motherhood, being "over weight", HIV rates, having standards, being educated, being independent etc. has been turned into yet another weapon to use against black women. Another way to to try and prove for the umpteenth time that we are worthless and try to make us question ourselves. I can see black men with non-black women out in public and couldn't care less about it but when it's on tv and feel it was purposely put there I do have a problem, especially with the near absence of relationships involving black men and black women, but not with the interracial dating itself, with the reason it is shown and what it has come to represent in reference to black women. It just gets to the point when someone is using something as a weapon against you, you no longer see the person holding the weapon, you just see the weapon and try to get it away from them. So why do I think some black women get upset at black men dating non-black women? Because it's easier than trying to convince society to stop devaluing you. So just to sum it up, it's not interracial dating I have a problem with, it's using it as another attempt to demean and devalue black women.


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