Hook-Up Culture: Yet Another Backlash Against Female Choice

See Also

Pornification of Women via Clothing Options
Mirror, Mirror
So a reader from my "Bar" sent me this Vanity Fair exposé on Tinder and hook-up culture in general.  It's nothing shocking; a bunch of young, white-minded heteros in the big city are having a lot of sex in which the women are disposable, never sexually fulfilled, and sometimes physically injured because young men simply want to find a warm hole to stick their dicks into.  These young men - and I'm using the term "men" loosely here - concur that romance is dead, and like always, insist that women are the ones killed it.

As if all straight/bi men are just dying to treat women's bodies with respect, are happy to wait at least few months before having sex, and are eager to settle down and build a healthy, egalitarian long-term relationship...if only women would just let them.
It seems like the girls don’t have any control over the situation, and it should not be like that at all,” Fallon says.

It’s a contest to see who cares less, and guys win a lot at caring less,” Amanda says.

“Sex should stem from emotional intimacy, and it’s the opposite with us right now, and I think it really is kind of destroying females’ self-images,” says Fallon.

“It’s body first, personality second,” says Stephanie.

Honestly, I feel like the body doesn’t even matter to them as long as you’re willing,” says Reese. “It’s that bad.”

But if you say any of this out loud, it’s like you’re weak, you’re not independent, you somehow missed the whole memo about third-wave feminism,” says Amanda.
We'll start here.

In race, when a white person is called out on their racism, they're likely to quote MLK and insist that they don't see race.  They may also invoke the Human Race Derail.  Regardless of which route they take, the goal is always the same: to get you to shut up.

It's no difference with dating in the age of hook-up culture.  In this era of female-led movements, men who want to treat women as objects will insist that they themselves are feminists and respect everyone's freedom of choice.

Choice.  Choice is the very crux of women's movements.  Dating by choice, marrying by choice, being a housewife or a career woman by choice, having children by choice, choosing what we want our bodies to look like, and choosing what kind of men we want to be with (for those of us who actually want to be with men).

In my blog post about the pornification of women via clothing options, I talked about how despite all the lip service paid toward women's rights, our choices are deliberately being eroded.  If we want to cover up, we have trouble finding the clothes we want, at the quality and prices we need, but the sheer fabrics, crop tops, short dresses, and plunging necklines are both abundant and affordable.

Same thing with men.  See, if we voice or write our sexual desires/frustrations, we're encouraged by men to remedy them with the company of men.  But men are heavily indoctrinated by a misogynistic culture of instant gratification.  One man in that article specifically stated that using Tinder was like using a food app, but instead of ordering food, "you're ordering a person."  Except the women they're "ordering" aren't seen or treated like people, so after an encounter, the women are left even more dissatisfied and frustrated than before.
“A lot of guys are lacking in that department,” says Courtney with a sigh. “What’s a real orgasm like? I wouldn’t know.”

...They talk about how it’s not uncommon for their hookups to lose their erections. It’s a curious medical phenomenon, the increased erectile dysfunction in young males, which has been attributed to everything from chemicals in processed foods to the lack of intimacy in hookup sex.

“If a guy can’t get hard,” Rebecca says, “and I have to say, that happens a lot, they just act like it’s the end of the world.”

“At four in the morning this guy was so upset, and I was like, Dude, I’ll just go to fucking sleep—it’s O.K.,” says Sarah, 21, the one with the long curly dark hair. “I get really tired of faking.”
You've gotten a glimpse of my dating exploits and those of my former roomie.  While our experiences were nowhere nearly as extreme as those recounted in the Vanity Fair article, we too found ourselves dealing with that "culture of now."  Men want what they want, and they want it now.  If you don't give it, you're dismissed upfront or discarded later on.

So where is the choice for women in this situation?  How can a woman "choose" if there's nothing good to choose from?  If we want a good man, a reasonable, patient, mature, responsible man; if that is what we choose for ourselves...where are we to find him?  Boys who turn to a phone app to solve all their problems do not grow up to be great men.  There's this myth that all males just need "time", but the mere passage of time cannot turn a self-centered, manipulative, misogynistic child - with erectile dysfunction - into an emotionally and psychologically mature man who respects women, and is good in bed.

This continued social conditioning of males is not happening by chance, ladies.  Just as enslaved Africans were never intended to become free, autonomous, thriving citizens in America, women of all races were never intended to gain rights and have choices.  We wanted to be more than just bed-warmers, blushing brides, and breeding mares, so we were and still are being punished for wanting more.  As laws evolve and movements push forward, our patriarchal society has to find new ways to maintain old orders.  The quickest way to do so is to simply remove choice.  Harass us in the streets and limit our opportunities at work - that'll make us think twice before leaving the home, where we truly belong in the first place.  Pressure us to be sexually active but fight against our right to birth control or abortions; that'll keep us pregnant and impoverished.  Socially reinforce males of all ages to look down on women and see us a subhuman; that'll make us sorry for ever having standards or preferences of our own.

Fashion Tips from Moi

All hope is not lost, of course.  There are some very simple things women can do to not only survive but thrive in this socially toxic climate.

1) Always remember that we've already been through far worse.  No matter how dire things may seem at times in 2015, subtract just 20-30 years from the number and remember that once upon a not-so-distant times, things were far, far worse.  Our female predecessors fought hard for us, so we need to buck up and soldier on.

2) Choose you.  It's better to be alone than with the wrong man.  Always remember that.  If you're not physically, mentally, and emotionally satisfied by hook-up culture, then don't participate.  Delete your apps, erase your profiles, and don't be upset when a man dismisses you for not allowing yourself to be subjugated.  If he makes it clear he only wants a warm, wet orifice instead of a whole person, don't be offended.  He just did you a huge favor.

3) Fight fire with fire.  The Vanity Fair article references the "perceived surplus"; in other words, there's this myth among men that willing, beautiful, young women are in high supply, that men's options are limitless, and thus women are ultimately disposable.  By refusing to participate in that culture, you help to create a shortage.  You help to limit their options.  If done correctly and on a wide enough scale, men will get back to either working for it, or paying heavily for it.  Either way, no more free rides.

4) Yes, you are entitled to your orgasmI'm no Amy Schumer fan, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.  A friend I once had in college followed a strict orgasm-first policy: she refused to let any man insert his dick into her if he hadn't made her come first by other means.  Let me tell you something; I myself am a highly orgasmic woman.  I can trigger orgasm without physical stimulation.  I've had years and years of practice to get it down right; I have even triggered multiples, and yes, they. Are. Wonderful.  Yet in all the years I've messed around with men, only one man has brought me to orgasm...and he didn't accomplish that with his dick.

As for my friend...she ended up not sleeping with any guys in college.

My point?  Do NOT pander to their egos.  We are rapidly approaching 2016, so this needs to be every hetero/bi woman's New Year's Resolution.  I'm so very deeply annoyed that in 2015, women are still faking orgasms.  That was supposed to have ended in the 1990s.  Ladies, if you are not a sex worker getting paid four figures a pop, you are entitled to get off, so make that man work.  Let him get on his knees, let him learn to use his mouth, his hands, his imagination - if he complains, sternly remind him that it's for his own good.  Too many men don't know how to please a woman; they don't ask us the right questions, they don't listen to our instructions, they can't tell the difference between a genuine orgasm and a faker - too many men are absolutely useless in bed, and instead of confronting this catastrophic-sized failure, they've simply conditioned themselves to believe that a woman's pleasure (and the woman, for that matter) is irrelevant.

So learn how to say, "No."  "No, I did not get off."  "No, I am not satisfied."  "No, this does not turn me on."  "No, I will never have sex with you again."

We need to start letting men leave our beds discomfited and ashamed.  They will either sink or swim afterward.  If a man wants a do-over to correct his mistakes, use your discretion, but promise yourself that you will never again lie to make a useless man feel good about himself.  You don't owe him shit.  And this type of dishonesty doesn't do us any kind of favors.  Men have literally spent millennia trying to find new (and preserve old) ways of keeping women subjugated, so we need to remember to fight back at every single turn.

Here endeth the lesson.


  1. Currently not active but in the future I need to demand orgasm before penetration. These men are so lazy in bed, they expect women to perform tricks like porno stars yet can't even get us off.

    1. in the future I need to demand orgasm before penetration

      And now that we're all getting on the same page, we now need to discuss strategy of how to handle that particular conversation.

    2. Maybe I have an angel on my shoulder but I have only encountered one person in my dating life who did not want to please me first and so we did not have sex.....Most of the people I have been with have been very keen to try to please me and make sure I like even to the point where I have to tell them okay we can move on from this to that now....

  2. In response to this piece, a reader on Facebook suggested the following blog:


  3. Let the church say AMEN! You have expertly nailed it.

  4. *nods*
    Exactly. Some men are able to wait for the girl they like to be ready for sex. It reminds me of something I heard from an ordinary feminist girl, she said that feminism benefits both genders: hookup culture in the early 20th century? Nah. If you were a man, chances are you would have to wait for marriage to get *the* girl you want at that time. Birth control and abortion? How many men would want to marry the first girl he slept with nowadays? Or see his sexual partners getting pregnant all the time?
    As much as many men hate feminism or mock it, they benefit from it. But I do see your point about society's regression to the old days' mentality to keep us vulnerable. Society is contradictory, true.

    1. Also, "waiting" makes men better lovers. When you actually care about the person you with...you care. You care about pleasing them. You care about their willingness to please you as well.

      Men have already been lacking the sexual department for ages; hook-up culture has basically been another nail in that coffin.

    2. If it is not good what is the benefit of quantity over quality.....maybe I am getting old and my sexual partners are few and far between but when I do get offered the dick I am rather particular....I mean if I haven't had any in a year or two and I haven't exploded, I'm alright....I can wait until what I really want comes along.

    3. If it is not good what is the benefit of quantity over quality


  5. Researchers surveyed 479 men between the ages of 18 and 24 and asked them whether they'd experienced problems in the bedroom as a result of using condoms. The goal of the study was to determine whether the men suffered from erectile dysfunction or if their penises just really, really hated condoms.

    Ultimately, the researchers found that just over one-third of the men polled (38%) had no trouble staying erect whilst strapping on a Jimmy Hat. But of the 62% of men who did report having various condom-related erectile difficulties during condom application or during intercourse, 18-32% met the criteria for "mild to moderate" erectile dysfunction. Put another way, these men were blaming condoms for their inability to stay erect, when in fact they were just much more likely to experience problems with erectile dysfunction anyway.

    Wow...seems like the problem's even bigger than we thought.

  6. Girl, I'd rather wait. I don't mind waiting. Quality matters and I'm worth it. I deserve it. Won't even entertain the idea of less.

  7. I was supposed to post this last night but I could not find the link the article.
    Now that I am not looking for it, low and behold it reveals itself to me.
    You have to read this article.
    The writer of it says, “But men have started to fess up to the fakery… women don’t give them orgasms, they give themselves orgasms. Let’s say that again. Women aren’t giving men orgasms; men are giving themselves orgasms in the presence of women.”
    I would love to hear your thoughts on this one.


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